Today is not a good day. I’m feeling fed up, upset and more than a little overwhelmed with my lot. Now the worst thing about that is that I’m also feeling incredibly guilty about the fact that I’m fed up, upset and more than a little overwhelmed with my lot!
Firstly, let me tell you the reasons for this dark cloud that’s hovering over me this morning. Now I don’t have a very sick child/parent/friend, I’m not destitute nor have I had any bad news. It’s just an accumulation of little things that have built up and I’ve had to admit to myself this morning that I’m not the all singing all dancing Mum I aspire to be!
As most of you already know, my children are 6, 8, 12 and 13 and they’re wonderful. But sometimes I feel I’m being pulled in a million different directions. There’s football, singing, drama, piano – and that’s only Mondays! I know that my friends who are knee deep in dirty nappies and struggling with sleepless nights would tell me I’m lucky that I have them all in school and that’s true to a certain extent. But they don’t see the other end of the spectrum when I still have bodies hovering around at eleven o’clock at night because they feel they’re too old to go to bed beforehand! I’m also dealing with sulky, hormonal teenagers while still having little ones that need so much of my attention.
Next week my eldest daughter is making her confirmation. I have a million and one things to do as we’ll be having around forty people to the house after the ceremony. I still haven’t bought myself anything to wear and I could do with a team of cleaners to sort my house out. I’d planned to get as many things as possible sorted this morning but my vomiting eight year old has rendered my plans impossible. Does that sound too harsh? I honestly do feel sorry for her and I’m giving her loads of mammy attention but I can’t help feeling resentful about having such a clump of my precious time taken away from me.
Now I’ve been so busy organising the confirmation, the fact that my youngest daughter is making her communion next month has taken a bit of a back seat. Yesterday I decided I should try to get that sorted too. I’m planning to get caterers in since I’ll be up to my eyes with so many other things on the day.
“The 29th of May!” said the caterer, incredulously, when I rang to book him. “I already have nine communions booked in for that day. You’ll never get anyone at such short notice.”
Short notice? Sure there’s 6 weeks left. How ridiculous. Ten caterers later and I was beginning to panic. It seems now that my day will be taken up with cooking when I just want to take time to dress my daughter in her beautiful white dress and give her all the attention she deserves.
The worst thing about feeling like this is the fact that I beat myself up over it. I’ve just re-read what I’ve written and I can see I’ve come across as selfish, incapable and downright mean. I’ve had to force myself not to hit delete. As mothers, I think we have a terrible habit of trying to live up to some ideal. We all want people to say; ‘isn’t she a wonderful Mum’ or ‘she never seems to get frazzled’. I know I’m a good Mum but I also get bogged down with things and have days (like today) when I feel I’m utterly useless.
I have to say a special thanks to Barbara Scully at http://www.barbarascully.blogspot.com for bemoaning the view from her kitchen table and making me realise that it’s okay to tell people how we’re feeling.
I apologise for the length of this post but today, a shorter moan just wouldn’t cut it. I could actually go on for longer but I reckon I’ve bored you all enough. I promise to come back in the next day or two with more humour but in the meantime, I’d love to hear your thoughts.